Racing

I've been racing a lot lately. Last week I was meeting my friend for lunch at noon, but I was stuck in a meeting and couldn't leave when I was planning to. So I ended up running a mile and a half to the restaurant - weaving in and out of pedestrians, catching my breath on street corners when the light was against me. I arrived right at noon. I was happy that I got there on time, kind of proud I guess, but seeing her there - composed and perfectly calm, having arrived early and without rushing - made me wish I could be more like her. Why do I always have to rush all the time? Why, over the weekend, did we have to rush to return the rental car, rush to get to church on time, rush to the cake-tasting, rush to meet our friends? Why did I have to run two miles yesterday to get to a film screening? Why am I going to have to run another mile and a half today in order to get to my doctor's appointment, which I can't leave early for?

I want to blame it on my job, since I'm often required to work through lunch and don't have time for myself, or on having too many things to do, or on poor scheduling. In general I'm just starting to feel like too much is expected of me. I want to fall asleep some night without racing through the whole long checklist of things done, undone, priorities for tomorrow, etc. I want to spend a weekend doing what I want, instead of frantically trying to get as many things off the list as possible. I want to *walk* to an appointment sometime. I'm just...tired.