Here’s a question for you: If, after marriage, you could flip a switch and never feel romantically attracted to anyone again except for your spouse...would you? Or would you let that part of you stay alive?
It’s tough because while marriage is the dividing line after which people (ideally) don’t experience intimacy with anyone other than their spouse, interest in other people doesn’t go away. At least, I don’t think it will. Any attraction I’ve felt to others has been muted for the past few years because I’m happy in my relationship. But will it be muted forever? What if boredom strikes a few years down the line? Or what if I meet someone sparky, someone who, if I was single, I would like to date? Or someone with lots of flaws – just different flaws from the ones I’m familiar with. No matter how committed I am to never crossing the line, it seems unrealistic to expect that I would never have a desire to. So in a way, being able to flip that switch would be a relief. I could relax and stop policing. On the other hand, those flickers of excitement when you have a crush on someone or even just a passing interest are one of the great joys of human experience. It seems wrong to neuter yourself.
How come pre-marital classes never cover things like this?
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No I wouldn't. I think those sort of feeling are healthy and I agree it is one of the joys of human experience. In fact my wife and freely talk about various attractions/crushes we have. Knowing neither of us would act makes it kind of fun for both of us.
Oh...good question! I agree, it's part of being alive.
Physical infidelity, i.e. acting on it, is one thing. But emotional infidelity is another. And some people even say that it's more damaging.
Sven, you sound so healthy. I'm intrigued to know: how come it doesn't hurt you to think that your wife's mind is focused on someone else in a way that it was/is focused on you? Or am I making too much out of a crush?
Sophia: In her case I think you are making too much out of a crush. It might be more accurately characherized as an appreciation of beauty. She has a thing for what we in the U.S. refer to a African American men (Taye Diggs, Denzel Washington, Kevin Garnett, Tiki Barber...) and so I'll tease her when we see someone she thinks is HOT.
Maybe it just reminds me that she is human and it is not in my best interest to take her for granted.
Ah...that last bit was very wise.
Thank you for the explanation. I feel slightly more normal now.
Great discussion! My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We don't talk about the crushes excessively, but they're there. We're human - how could we not notice? On the flip side, my husband has said several times how he can't imagine sex with strangers because there is such a closeness when you've been with the same person for many years. You know what the other loves and they know what you love. There's just no trading it.
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