Thursday, October 29, 2009
Whine
Today I'm feeling terribly down on myself. I'm trying, but somehow I'm still letting everything slide. I make all these brave resolutions about eating well and staying on top of things and getting to bed at a decent hour, and they all come to naught. I end up staying up till 1 or 2 am, night after night, eating chocolate just to keep myself awake, working on things that were due yesterday. My willpower is weak and I self-medicate a lot to get myself through. I'm feeling frumpy and bulgy. My hair looks witchy. I'm so exhausted all the time and vaguely resentful that other people get to sleep and I don't. Sometimes, when I finally do get to go to bed, I waste the first half hour just lying there feeling sorry for myself, because I know I'll have to get up again in just a few hours, and it's not going to be enough. I wish I had my mom's ironclad willpower - she can resist anything - and my elf-friend's trim little figure - and my daughter's sleep schedule.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Love in the Time of the Brunch
Yesterday I sorted through a drawer of mementos that I kept from a particularly turbulent time in my life (and threw out most of it). There were poems written by The Wrong Guy, cards and love letters, ticket stubs from concerts I went to with The Right Guy, the receipt from our evening at a coffeehouse together, cartoons we drew together, a short story he wrote, and much much more. Also a lot of angsty lists of things relating to the Wrong Guy relationship and things that he wanted me to do differently. We were in crisis all the time. Reading it all reminded me vividly of how awful it was being with him. He really tore me up. I still haven't and probably won't ever forgive him. I just invested so much into trying to help him and in return I got all this emotional misery and blame and anger pinned on me and he made me responsible for everything that went wrong - including things that I obviously had nothing to do with and couldn't change - and he was vicious to me when I couldn't fix those things. He would scream at me until I was crying and physically knocking my head against the wall and he still wouldn't stop. I am such a calm, reasonable person normally, but if I'd stayed with him I would've been suicidal - it was only a matter of time. I do remember crying hysterically nearly every day during the two months that we dated. I am still astonished at myself for getting into such a hurtful relationship. I lost a lot of trust in my own judgment because of that.
Anyway, I came to my senses and got out. And now I'm with this guy who is just a model of normalcy in comparison. He's loving and sweet and emotionally whole and never tries to hurt me. Our daily life is serene. Just reading over some of my journal entries from the earlier time was making me start to hyperventilate, and I felt so frickin grateful that that's not my life any more.
But at the same time I got glimpses - especially in the journal entries from the early days - of the good stuff that lured me in. Early on, he seemed like just the type of person I was looking for. He was artistic and creative and took a real interest in my poetry. He encouraged my writing. I felt like, "Ah! Here's someone I can share all those types of things with." We had these intense, philosophical, all-night conversations and we read Thurber's The White Deer aloud to each other and sang old English madrigals together. He liked all that stuff just as much as I do. We would both get lit up about the same intellectual things. Tracking down one literary reference would remind us of another, and so on. We could spend hours just reading snippets of things to each other.
I miss that. There isn't much that my husband and I can share like that. I've tried to get him to read books aloud with me - one of my favorite things to do, and I think it's so romantic. I am actually really jealous of couples that do this. It's not something he enjoys. Today I mentioned the short story he wrote, the only one he's ever written to my knowledge. It's an incredibly good story. I told him again how much I liked it and said he should do more fiction writing. He just shrugged and said he doesn't see the point of fiction. He didn't even consider doing it.
Lately I have been doing a lot more of my own creative writing. I've written a few short stories. Nothing much good, so far, but the process is fun. And I know I will get better as I get my writing muscles back. I thought he might be interested or curious in what I was writing and ask about it, but he hasn't. So I haven't even had the chance to say "it's not good enough to show to anyone." He hasn't even asked me, broadly, what I'm writing about. I was thinking that if I could work up his interest in writing again, we could have our own little writers' club and share stuff with each other. I would love to read anything he wrote. And being accountable to someone else would keep me producing. All my writing in the past has been done for creative writing classes or for writing clubs that I started with friends. I seem to need to feel accountable, to someone, or I just don't write. (All the writing clubs ended the same way, with the other members flaking out.)
Anyway, I got pretty much a non-response when I brought up the idea. It was part of a larger idea of mine, really, that we should go out for brunch at a local restaurant every Sunday. There are so many good restaurants in our area that I'm interested to try. I also think going out for brunch is a real treat - it makes me feel excited and happy to think of it, like a kid. I thought it would be good for us to establish a tradition, because then we can start to anticipate and wonder during the week, "where will we go next?" and save up fun stuff to tell each other at brunch, and so on. At home, we often are like ships passing in the night. I'm busy feeding the baby and myself or doing chores, while he's tapping away on his laptop, not even in the same room, and sometimes it seems like we don't even make eye contact all evening, let alone have a conversation. I thought a weekly brunch when we could reconnect and talk about our relationship, plans for the future, etc. would be good for our marriage. It would be like therapy, except without the therapist - our time to work through stuff together, with a side of home fries and toast.
So today was our first brunch outing. I loved the restaurant that I picked for our inaugural brunch. The food was delicious, the atmosphere was good, I was feeling chipper. He was more or less like a block of wood through the whole meal. I kept chatting away, holding up my end of the conversation and more. I brought up my sharing writing idea, and how many kids we might want to have, and our friendships with other couples, and our plans for the landscaping around the house, and a book I've been reading, and my plan to enter some 5K races this fall. He hardly said anything the whole meal. I would introduce a topic of conversation, and say a few things, unhurried, open, warm, and invite his comment, but he would just sit there. So after a while I'd say a little more, give a slightly different perspective or ask if he thought such and such. He would shrug, or look down at his food. I would think of some more things to say, and say them, with appropriate pauses in between and more invitation of his opinion. He didn't even look at me throughout most of the meal. I was doing all the work. I had energy to do it, but I also felt saddened that he wasn't making an effort.
It's unfair of me to write in this vein, because he wasn't feeling well. Halfway through the meal I decided to call a spade a spade, so I came right out and said, "OK. It's your turn to think of a topic of conversation now." And I just waited and smiled at him. He seemed to be tuning in from a long way away. He looked at me (finally!) and said, "Actually, I'm feeling a little woozy." He's been having weird health issues lately, episodes of dizziness. I said, "Do you want to lie down or something?" He said, "Maybe." So he went out to the car to rest, while I ate the rest of my meal and supervised our toddler's meal and paid for the food and got a box for his and collected the diaper bag and coats in one arm and picked up the kid in the other arm and picked up the food bag in my teeth and went out. I felt sorry that he wasn't feeling well, particularly that it was a feeling-woozy kind of not well, because I know what that's like and it's so unpleasant. (He perked up later in the day.)
I had flashbacks to The Wrong Guy relationship, though, because he had so many health issues and was always needing to be cosseted. I think part of my impatience now with people who are sick or fragile is a reaction to that. It's like the takehome message I learned from that relationship was, don't cosset people. Because they will just make it all your fault that they're feeling poorly, and throw it back in your face if you're unable to help them. If I could go back in time I wouldn't buy into his manipulativeness; half the time I don't think he even was feeling bad, just trying to get my sympathy. And using it as an excuse so the attention would be on him and we could work on helping him with his issues (again), shelving mine (again).
So deep down inside I have this little warning voice telling me that my husband was just trying to get sympathy and to get out of having to talk with me. The one time we had all week, our therapy time, and he played the not-feeling-well card to get out of it. I know it's completely unfair of me to feel that way. He has been having these mysterious episodes, and it's a bit scary that we don't know what's causing it.
To be honest, though, even though it's unfair to feel this, I was annoyed that he was so unresponsive and wooden. He is like that a lot, even when he's not feeling woozy. It's a basic aspect of his personality. Back in the turbulent time a few years ago, I loved it that we were so stable together. We could just sit and watch a movie together and not fight, and it was bliss. It was actually possible to enjoy aspects of life when he was around, whereas with The Wrong Guy everything had to be about our drama-filled relationship, and he was quite willing to scrap the evening's entertainments in favor of raking me over some coals.
But I do wish my husband would make a little more effort sometimes. It's like riding a horse with a hard mouth. You have to haul around on the reins to get them to even notice. The Wrong Guy was a feather touch. Especially if I wanted to talk about our relationship, he'd give me his full, intense attention and be ready with all this touchy-feely emotional psychotherapy. He was always interested in sharing our feelings.
I love my husband to pieces. I'm grateful to have him, and I know that what we have together is good in so many ways. My whole baseline level of happiness is way higher than it used to be. In fact, just the other day we were riding somewhere in the warm car, with autumn foliage outside, and a great song playing, and I was so happy to be with him. I thought, "This would've been an oasis of joy, at other times in my life. Now, it's just normal."
So, I'm not having marriage-questioning doubts or anything. Just recognizing that yes, that woodenness that drives me crazy sometimes is here to stay. And if I want a literary/inspirational conversation, I'm going to have to find someone else to have it with. And if I want to feel supported or encouraged about my writing, I will have to find that within. No matter how much French toast we order together.
Anyway, I came to my senses and got out. And now I'm with this guy who is just a model of normalcy in comparison. He's loving and sweet and emotionally whole and never tries to hurt me. Our daily life is serene. Just reading over some of my journal entries from the earlier time was making me start to hyperventilate, and I felt so frickin grateful that that's not my life any more.
But at the same time I got glimpses - especially in the journal entries from the early days - of the good stuff that lured me in. Early on, he seemed like just the type of person I was looking for. He was artistic and creative and took a real interest in my poetry. He encouraged my writing. I felt like, "Ah! Here's someone I can share all those types of things with." We had these intense, philosophical, all-night conversations and we read Thurber's The White Deer aloud to each other and sang old English madrigals together. He liked all that stuff just as much as I do. We would both get lit up about the same intellectual things. Tracking down one literary reference would remind us of another, and so on. We could spend hours just reading snippets of things to each other.
I miss that. There isn't much that my husband and I can share like that. I've tried to get him to read books aloud with me - one of my favorite things to do, and I think it's so romantic. I am actually really jealous of couples that do this. It's not something he enjoys. Today I mentioned the short story he wrote, the only one he's ever written to my knowledge. It's an incredibly good story. I told him again how much I liked it and said he should do more fiction writing. He just shrugged and said he doesn't see the point of fiction. He didn't even consider doing it.
Lately I have been doing a lot more of my own creative writing. I've written a few short stories. Nothing much good, so far, but the process is fun. And I know I will get better as I get my writing muscles back. I thought he might be interested or curious in what I was writing and ask about it, but he hasn't. So I haven't even had the chance to say "it's not good enough to show to anyone." He hasn't even asked me, broadly, what I'm writing about. I was thinking that if I could work up his interest in writing again, we could have our own little writers' club and share stuff with each other. I would love to read anything he wrote. And being accountable to someone else would keep me producing. All my writing in the past has been done for creative writing classes or for writing clubs that I started with friends. I seem to need to feel accountable, to someone, or I just don't write. (All the writing clubs ended the same way, with the other members flaking out.)
Anyway, I got pretty much a non-response when I brought up the idea. It was part of a larger idea of mine, really, that we should go out for brunch at a local restaurant every Sunday. There are so many good restaurants in our area that I'm interested to try. I also think going out for brunch is a real treat - it makes me feel excited and happy to think of it, like a kid. I thought it would be good for us to establish a tradition, because then we can start to anticipate and wonder during the week, "where will we go next?" and save up fun stuff to tell each other at brunch, and so on. At home, we often are like ships passing in the night. I'm busy feeding the baby and myself or doing chores, while he's tapping away on his laptop, not even in the same room, and sometimes it seems like we don't even make eye contact all evening, let alone have a conversation. I thought a weekly brunch when we could reconnect and talk about our relationship, plans for the future, etc. would be good for our marriage. It would be like therapy, except without the therapist - our time to work through stuff together, with a side of home fries and toast.
So today was our first brunch outing. I loved the restaurant that I picked for our inaugural brunch. The food was delicious, the atmosphere was good, I was feeling chipper. He was more or less like a block of wood through the whole meal. I kept chatting away, holding up my end of the conversation and more. I brought up my sharing writing idea, and how many kids we might want to have, and our friendships with other couples, and our plans for the landscaping around the house, and a book I've been reading, and my plan to enter some 5K races this fall. He hardly said anything the whole meal. I would introduce a topic of conversation, and say a few things, unhurried, open, warm, and invite his comment, but he would just sit there. So after a while I'd say a little more, give a slightly different perspective or ask if he thought such and such. He would shrug, or look down at his food. I would think of some more things to say, and say them, with appropriate pauses in between and more invitation of his opinion. He didn't even look at me throughout most of the meal. I was doing all the work. I had energy to do it, but I also felt saddened that he wasn't making an effort.
It's unfair of me to write in this vein, because he wasn't feeling well. Halfway through the meal I decided to call a spade a spade, so I came right out and said, "OK. It's your turn to think of a topic of conversation now." And I just waited and smiled at him. He seemed to be tuning in from a long way away. He looked at me (finally!) and said, "Actually, I'm feeling a little woozy." He's been having weird health issues lately, episodes of dizziness. I said, "Do you want to lie down or something?" He said, "Maybe." So he went out to the car to rest, while I ate the rest of my meal and supervised our toddler's meal and paid for the food and got a box for his and collected the diaper bag and coats in one arm and picked up the kid in the other arm and picked up the food bag in my teeth and went out. I felt sorry that he wasn't feeling well, particularly that it was a feeling-woozy kind of not well, because I know what that's like and it's so unpleasant. (He perked up later in the day.)
I had flashbacks to The Wrong Guy relationship, though, because he had so many health issues and was always needing to be cosseted. I think part of my impatience now with people who are sick or fragile is a reaction to that. It's like the takehome message I learned from that relationship was, don't cosset people. Because they will just make it all your fault that they're feeling poorly, and throw it back in your face if you're unable to help them. If I could go back in time I wouldn't buy into his manipulativeness; half the time I don't think he even was feeling bad, just trying to get my sympathy. And using it as an excuse so the attention would be on him and we could work on helping him with his issues (again), shelving mine (again).
So deep down inside I have this little warning voice telling me that my husband was just trying to get sympathy and to get out of having to talk with me. The one time we had all week, our therapy time, and he played the not-feeling-well card to get out of it. I know it's completely unfair of me to feel that way. He has been having these mysterious episodes, and it's a bit scary that we don't know what's causing it.
To be honest, though, even though it's unfair to feel this, I was annoyed that he was so unresponsive and wooden. He is like that a lot, even when he's not feeling woozy. It's a basic aspect of his personality. Back in the turbulent time a few years ago, I loved it that we were so stable together. We could just sit and watch a movie together and not fight, and it was bliss. It was actually possible to enjoy aspects of life when he was around, whereas with The Wrong Guy everything had to be about our drama-filled relationship, and he was quite willing to scrap the evening's entertainments in favor of raking me over some coals.
But I do wish my husband would make a little more effort sometimes. It's like riding a horse with a hard mouth. You have to haul around on the reins to get them to even notice. The Wrong Guy was a feather touch. Especially if I wanted to talk about our relationship, he'd give me his full, intense attention and be ready with all this touchy-feely emotional psychotherapy. He was always interested in sharing our feelings.
I love my husband to pieces. I'm grateful to have him, and I know that what we have together is good in so many ways. My whole baseline level of happiness is way higher than it used to be. In fact, just the other day we were riding somewhere in the warm car, with autumn foliage outside, and a great song playing, and I was so happy to be with him. I thought, "This would've been an oasis of joy, at other times in my life. Now, it's just normal."
So, I'm not having marriage-questioning doubts or anything. Just recognizing that yes, that woodenness that drives me crazy sometimes is here to stay. And if I want a literary/inspirational conversation, I'm going to have to find someone else to have it with. And if I want to feel supported or encouraged about my writing, I will have to find that within. No matter how much French toast we order together.
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