I need to get better with relationships. I'm not smooth like I want to be. I get het-up about little things and end up having stupid arguments about sunscreen's effect on melanoma that aren't even about that - instead they are about being ignored all morning and worrying that our marriage isn't as perfect as other people's.
And I need to really pull back and do some thinking about the kid question. I tried to have a "talk" about it this weekend, but didn't get anywhere. I ended up just floundering with "but it will all be worth it in the end," while he brought up sensible concerns about how a baby would interfere with sleep, hobbies, etc. He is right. Having a baby would interfere with our lives. And I can't express articulately why that just doesn't matter to me, why I still want us to have kids. It's an emotion that goes below language.
I'm too focused on getting him to agree to have kids (soon), and not enough on what is actually important - I should be thinking and planning and interested in the whole concept of creating a person, and busily making room for this person in our lives. Instead I have some crackpot notion that if I can just get him to say 'yes', everything else will magically fall into place. I'm so stupid and naive.
And I can't focus when there are a bunch of people over. I'm supposed to be this great hostess and make everyone feel at home and get them talking to each other, and instead I just flit around trying to talk to whoever looks left-out, and ignoring everyone else, and I have no idea if people are even having fun or not.
At work, I go around with my ears flattened down and my tail tucked. I feel beaten-down and I don't know how to change that. Being more assertive just seems to get me in trouble - my job is to be the low man. But after a couple of years of this, I'm starting to feel incapable of taking on anything more challenging; my self-esteem is shot. Getting married is just about all I have to feel happy about and proud of right now. When that wears off, what will I have?
2 comments:
"Stupid and naive?!?"
Aren't you being a little hard on yourself? To me it seems normal that you would have this struggle, with your husband and yourself. I also think you have already answered your question. Focus on what you can do and eventually he'll come around.
As for the job, I assume you're fairly young. I was in a similar position when it occured to me that I had nearly 30 years left to work until retirement - too long to be miserable. Instead I found a new job. It was scary but worth it.
Thanks for what you wrote, it helps! :)
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