My Career Aspirations

Some jobs that I am completely ill-suited for but nevertheless would secretly like to have:

Bike courier. I love the way they know their way around the whole city. They're so slick, weaving in and out of traffic, steering with one hand as they talk into their walkie-talkies. I have a terrible sense of direction and none of the chutzpah required to ride a bike in traffic, so this one is a no-go for me.

Pro hockey player. They're like big playful polar bears, cuffing each other and pawing each other's heads to celebrate a goal. I am totally amazed by their speed and agility on skates. Ever since I was about ten, I had crushes on hockey skaters, even just the guards at the rink.

Backup dancer for Beck. His shows usually involve somebody doing something cool just behind him, like whirling a glowing orange thing on a string in slow circles around their head, or doing jumping-jack/semaphore dancing. Plus, then I'd get to be around Beck, who looks like he is still in high school but is apparently in his thirties. Maybe I could convince him not to be a Scientologist.

Autumn leaf photographer for nature calendars. Think how great it would be if your whole job was to go for walks in beautiful forests. And playing with the different lenses to get the red leaves to look even redder must be fun.

"Calm down" rider - those people who ride calm, relaxed looking horses alongside racehorses after the race, to get them to stop freaking out. The racehorses are jogging along wild-eyed, foaming, trying to chew on the other horses' manes, and the calm horses just ignore them and present a model of togetherness. Any job that makes me look like I'm in control while someone else is flipping out, sounds kind of nice.