A Careening Career

Today I gave some serious thought to my job and my career. I'm not very happy in my work any more, for a variety of reasons. I'd like a job where I was a little higher in the organization, where I could do projects of my own instead of just facilitating what others do. I'd like to have a position that values my degree and allows me to use what I learned in school - right now I am lower ranking than people who have less education than I do, but much more aggression. I'd like a job that makes a positive difference in the world.

The more I try to think of jobs I could do, though, the more I feel that I'm just not suited to anything. I'm so sick of all the corporate games. The one-upmanship, the need to rush to claim credit (whether or not you deserve it), the need to constantly promote yourself and seek more challenging opportunities (whether or not you want them), the relentless, unvarying necessity of covering your ass all the time. It exhausts me. I just want to be somewhere where I can honestly be myself, and where that's all right. I want to be able to let down my guard without getting stabbed. I work with nice people, for the most part, and it's not an ambitious, money-hungry crowd, or we wouldn't be in this field. Yet even the mild corporate politics that pervade our office are too much for me at times. I can't compete - or, I just don't want to.

Walking home this afternoon, I tried to think of a job I'd rather do. I passed the library. I'd rather be a librarian. I passed the grocery store. Or a cashier. I walked past some old homes with dewy lawns and climbing roses. I'd rather paint roses all day, big old roses spangled with dew. Oh! There's a guy trimming the roses. Maybe I should be a professional gardener. There's the elementary school. I could be a school secretary. Anything, just so I can stop being a corporate rat. It's turning my stomach.

I am talking like I need some time off, but that can't be it - I just had a long weekend. This feeling is more like laziness, sheer unwillingness to do the work that must be done. But I'm not usually lazy about my job. I think the long self-esteem downward spiral that started when I accepted a job I was overqualified for (following the advice of everyone I knew who urged me to "never mind about the money, do what you love") has just started to cross into officially-depressed-about-work territory. Being depressed makes it harder to rev up the energy to get out though. Especially when on the surface my job looks better and pays better than other things I could imagine myself doing. So, for the time being I am stuck.