We met with the priest at my mom's church who will perform our wedding ceremony. It was kind of an awkward meeting, for me anyway. She quizzed me on my church-going (scanty), my opinions of previous rectors at that church (hmmm... last time I was attending that church regularly was 15 years ago and I was a kid, so my recollections are also scanty), and my involvement with the cathedral (I volunteer there but that's not what she meant). I felt like it was test day and I hadn't studied. It was kind of like when a gay person tries to have a straight relationship, to see if maybe they're straight after all, and it just feels so weird and wrong, they realize, "Yep, I really am gay." Well, I really am atheist.
Everyone says your wedding day should be all about your relationship, and expressing who you are. When I get married, I want to be able to say every word from the heart. But instead I'm going to be faking my way through something I don't believe in. It worries me.
The good stuff: He was wonderful about everything, knew exactly what to say to smooth things over and rescue me when I was starting to stumble. Things like that give me more faith in the strength of our marriage than saying prayers together. Besides, I'm not sure I believe your wedding day should be all about who you are. It should also be about the families that are coming together, and about compromise. Maybe I should view the necessity of doing and saying things I don't believe in as a sacrifice for the families, to make them happy. Viewed in that light, I don't mind nearly as much.
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Hey,
Thanks for your thoughts. You are so right. I do want to be able to look back on it without feeling like I faked anything. My convictions about love (and love for this man in particular) and my intentions to be true to him and give my all to our marriage are so strong. It has nothing to do with God as far as I'm concerned. If I had my way, the wedding would be in a field somewhere and I'd have daisies in my hair and there wouldn't even be a mention of God in the ceremony. But part of loving him is accepting his family and their traditions, and it seems to be important to them to have our wedding in a church. I'm just really conflicted right now. This is like the stupid bacon sandwich dilemma - which ethic is more important? Maybe I will feel better about the religious aspect over time. Or maybe the Episcopal wedding we're planning is already a compromise between what I want and what they want (a Catholic wedding like your dream wedding!), so maybe I should just be happy with what I've got.
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