I already regret yesterday's entry - it sounds so mean-spirited. I still don't get why I feel that way. Why do I want to avoid people who are so kind to me? Why do I feel trapped and frustrated when they are obviously just being friendly to me? What's wrong with someone talking to me for an hour? - it's not like I have to get home or there's anything else I need to be doing.
And why does this only seem to happen to me? I don't notice other people around me getting stuck in conversations. I have a sense that if they did get involved in a conversation, they would have the skills to get out, that no one could hold them there against their will. I always feel like I'm in quicksand, sinking deeper and deeper even as I smile and nod, totally unable to say what's foremost in my mind: "could we stop talking now so I can leave?" It's like I secretly want to make connections with people, so I go out of my way initially to be friendly, but once they're made, I panic.
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It's okay, Erin. You're totally not alone. I get that at work a lot. People always want to stand there and chat for an hour about their whole life and everything. I have a lot of information in my head that, most of it, I never really had a desire to know. It happens to me a lot because I'm just nice and I don't want to hurt their feelings by telling them to shut up. So maybe you're just nice like me. ; ) I really understand about the last thing you said, too. I do that. I don't know why. I mean, it's like I want to make friends with people, but then when we get close I freak out because we're close...makes no sense, but you probably know what I mean. Distance is nice sometimes and I just wish that for once in my life I could be really mean and be all,"You know what? I don't really care! So shut up!" but I don't think I could be that mean. But wouldn't it be fun to do that at least once in your life? Just chew someone out? I've always thought that would be fun...
That was me, by the way.
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