Papering Over A Leak

I'm struggling a lot not to be envious of friends of mine who have real estate and kids. That's where I want to be, but I'm so far away from it right now, it seems like I'll never get there.

The real estate has to come first because our apartment is way too small to raise kids in - already we're tripping over stuff all the time. But we can't afford to buy a place right now, and probably never will, unless I can figure out how to get a job that pays about twice my current salary. Meanwhile, I'm scared of waiting because I worry that I might have trouble getting pregnant, and that childbirth might be more than I can handle...and it's only going to get harder as I get older.

But I made a decision just a couple days ago to stop fussing about this stuff. And I feel bad about even bringing it up in conversations because I don't want to stress out my husband. He has enough on his plate, getting his career going. This is supposed to be a chill time when we just relax and enjoy being married. I shouldn't be pushing him for more.

So, it's like constantly papering over a leak. There's a hose behind it, turned on full-force, but I keep laying fresh sheets of paper over it, trying to calm myself down. "Everything is fine."