According to this survey, the average American has only one or two close friends, and most people confide only in their spouse. Twenty years ago, the average was three good friends and several confidants, including friends from the neighborhood or other groups outside the family. Commentary on the article speculates about why this is happening - there are plenty of places with social opportunities (the bus, the coffee house, the gym). But for the most part, we don't make connections with the people we see in these places. And in fact, if people approach us there, they're generally a little weird. It's safer, and more comfortable, to email people instead of talking to them, and watch NetFlix at home instead of going out.
Here are my theories about why:
- Transience. No one stays at the same address or job for long enough to really build connections. Maybe twenty years ago there were neighborhoods where people grew up together and all knew one another, like Sesame Street. Or companies where people started out at the bottom rung and spent their whole career working their way up. Now, you move into an apartment building and no one knows their neighbors. Even if you wanted to become friendly with them, it's not easy, either because of language barriers or just basic personality differences. And it's pretty common to change jobs every few years.
- Too many people. If you came in contact with just one or two strangers a day, it would be natural to strike up a conversation. You might be pleased if a stranger asked to share your bench in the park. But when you come in contact with perhaps a hundred strangers a day, it makes more sense to avoid connections. The ratio of "good" interactions with strangers, vs. bad, is pretty low. Now, chances are a stranger who approaches you in the park is a little mentally unhinged. Or wants money. Or both.
- Finally, the types of things we do for fun these days just aren't...well, fun any more. Like house parties where the music is so loud you spend all your time shouting "SO HOW DO YOU KNOW [host]?" and "WHAT?". Or happy hours with coworkers where you sip overpriced beer and try to pretend that these people are your friends. I think they cater more to edgy, kind of aggressive people who live and thrive on pop culture. Which, I think, is not most of us.
I'm not sure what would be better - but something that presents a comfortable environment and facilitates interactions. Something that the edgy cool people think is dumb, so they've replaced it with more demanding social activities where only they can compete. Maybe we need to bring back roller rinks and square dances.
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You've raised a lot of real concerns here. I agree with you. We bought a house in a 1950's-era development which still has many of the original homeowners living here. We know the names of the neighbors right around us, but that's about it. The originals are getting quite elderly and the exodus to assisted living accomodations has begun; it's sad to see, because we know them and are fearful of who may buy their old homes. At the same time, we have an opportunity to be friendly and welcoming to new neighbors and hopefully set the tone for our neighborhood as a whole.
On the subject of places to socialize, we've found our local Caribou Coffee shop to be wonderful for that. I call it "Cheers, only without the drunks". It's not trendy people for the most part, just average midwest folks. It's nothing for us to sit and talk to our friends from there for hours. It's a familiar, happy place to be, always brings us up when we're feeling down (and not just from the caffeine LOL).
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