?, but no .

I haven't had a period in three years. It seems astonishing when I look back on it. My last period was in August 2006, just a few months after we got married. It started on my birthday, a day that we spent hiking with friends in the mountains. I remember retreating into some shrubbery off the trail at one point to change a pad. (No, I didn't litter - I took the old one with me, wrapped up.) That seems like eons ago.

I've done some reading online about amenorrhea. It could be primary ovarian failure, a scary thought considering that I was hoping to have a second child someday. Could my ovaries really be puttering out, when I'm only 32 years old? Or it could be a thyroid disorder. Or it could be a pituitary problem. Or it could be an ectopic pregnancy. For brief moments over the past few months I've wondered if it was a real pregnancy - that would explain the gut that I don't seem to be able to get rid of - but the gut hasn't changed in all that time, and we use birth control. And honestly, I just don't feel pregnant. Now that I have been, I would know if I ever was again.

A friend chuckled when I confided in her that I no longer have periods, and said, "You're lucky. Enjoy it!" I did for a while, but at this point I just want to be normal. I feel like some kind of anomaly in the world, cut off from the cycle of reproduction in my prime reproducing years. I feel the way I did at 14 and 15 and 16, when all the girls I knew had started their periods, and I hadn't. As convenient as it is not to menstruate any more, I know it means there's something wrong.

Yes, I've been to the doctor. I've had blood drawn. I'll find out the lab results soon. I hope it will be an answer I can live with.