Where's Erin??

I'm here! I just haven't been writing much, and I'm not sure why. I think I am reluctant to talk about being pregnant in my blog because so much of it is really personal. Not that I haven't written about personal topics before. This just feels like something I want to keep folded close for a while. And, it seems silly to blog about what I saw at the bus-stop or the little intricacies of friendship, when the pregnancy feels so overwhelmingly important and exciting to me right now. It's like saying "pass the butter" when there are fireworks going off right outside your window.

I haven't told anyone yet except for my family and a couple of friends. I'm afraid of jinxing myself. I especially haven't told anyone at work. Partly because that's the thing to do, you're supposed to soldier on through the morning sickness and not let anyone notice, because in case you have a first-trimester miscarriage you don't want to then go around to ALL your colleagues and explain that you are not, after all, having a baby. So that's a good practical reason. But also, I just don't feel like sharing anything that is close and special to me with people at work. I feel like they wouldn't appreciate it, so I don't want to "waste" it on them. I felt the same way when I got engaged, I didn't tell them until I had to (because I needed to ask for time off for the honeymoon). They acted happy for me when I finally told them. But my overriding feeling is that these people are not my friends, they don't understand me or what makes me tick, and it's not safe to bare my soul to them. I hold myself apart from them and share as little as possible. It has to do, I think, with their assignation of me to the lowest rank in the pecking order, and my refusal to accept that.

So for now, it's our secret. I have started sneakily wearing stretch pants because I could no longer fit into any of my regular work pants. I looove the stretch pants! They don't squeeze me at all. They are more amazingly comfortable than I thought any piece of clothing could be. I have not gained any weight yet, but my belly is pushing out a little bit. So I guess some other part of me has lost weight to compensate.

I'll write when I can, or when I can think of something good to post. In the meantime, thanks for bearing with the intermittent updates and for still reading my blog. :)