Tired, Happy, Worried, Tired

Things are good. I'm almost ten weeks along. At first I was really anxious and careful, I moved like I was made of glass, and was afraid of miscarrying from stress or exercise. Everything I had to do (climbing stairs, lifting and carrying boxes, taking a trip by plane), I instantly thought about the pregnancy, and then felt upset because it was all required for work, not anything I could get out of. As soon as I got home from work each day, I'd lie flat on my back, hoping to cancel out the day's worth of activity.

I've relaxed a lot now. For one, I seem to have come through all the stressful stuff fine (still pregnant, anyway), which gives me confidence that this baby isn't as fragile as I thought. For another, I don't really feel that pregnant. At first the knowledge occupied my every waking moment. Now there are whole afternoons when I completely forget about it. I haven't gained any weight, despite my best efforts. The first few weeks I ate at every possible opportunity, and even drank protein shakes before bed. Didn't gain a pound. I'm about to give up on trying and just let my body do what it wants, assuming the weight will come naturally in its own good time.

I'm really tired these days. Supposedly that is a common symptom of pregnancy. In my case it's because I started a second job, the kind of thing I can do from home. I wanted to get it underway now and then have it as an option to earn some money during my maternity leave. It is bringing in extra money, which is great, but it's also quite a time commitment. No more time for naps at the end of the work day. I worked a lot over Thanksgiving and will have to work every night and every weekend day for the next month, just to keep up. I feel like I'm running all the time, and never get a chance to rest. Of course that's not true. But the feeling of being harried, and being overwhelmed, never quite goes away. I haven't even had time to find a doctor yet, which is something I really need to do.

On the happy front, in those moments when I'm not actively working or worrying, I just close my eyes and feel gloriously happy. Having a baby is something I've dreamed about most of my life, that I was afraid would never happen. I'm so excited and glad. It's brought a particular tender new dynamic to my relationship with my husband, which I love.

I do get flashes of worry - not just about the regular practical things, like will I be able to avoid a C-section and will the baby be healthy and can we afford it - but about the long-term implications. Things we do now without a second thought, like spontaneously deciding to go to a movie and walking out the front door to make the next showing at the theater down the street, will be things we can never do after we have a baby. Or spending a whole day at a museum. Or going to lunch with friends. Or (gulp) sleeping more than three hours at a stretch. I'm anxious about the potential damage this will do to our day-to-day happiness. I don't want him to feel that I brought this on him before he was ready, or for him to get the brunt of the negative changes while I bask in the joy of motherhood. I will do my best to make it easy on him, but there's no getting around the fact that a baby will throw a lot of the pleasant aspects of our life together out of whack. So, we'll just enjoy our freedom while we have it, and keep our fingers crossed.