My friend is having her baby today, RIGHT NOW, as I write. I am so excited for her and hoping everything goes well.
Pain is on my mind a lot these days. It was easier in the early days when I was reading about "childbirth ecstasy" and how marvelous it feels to be awake and aware during the whole experience, to say that I wanted to go all natural. Why would I drug myself up and miss out on such a powerful, earthy, life experience? let alone the effect it could have on the baby, and the risk that it would prolong or derail labor, or lead to the dreaded C-section. I felt pretty confident in my ability to get through anything under my own power.
But now I'm going back and forth a lot in my mind, and I can feel my resolve isn't strong. It's like being on a horse rushing pell-mell toward a fence, and feeling the horse doubting, feeling that it wants to refuse, and in fact will, if you don't tell it right now to go on. On a horse, you have to make a split-second decision to either have confidence enough for both of you, and communicate that through your body language, or else agree that yes, perhaps this fence is too high, and we ought to pull out now. I'm in the terrible wavering stage where I don't know which course is the right one.
Yesterday afternoon I got a cramp or something - not a contraction, I don't think, more like a muscle spasm - but it was painful enough that I had to breathe shallowly and hold onto the edge of the sink for a minute until it passed. I could feel my mind all clouded, like a red mist. Panicky little thoughts flitted through - "you're fine, just relax, it will get better in a minute" but I knew I was just grasping at straws. And that was just for a minute or two. If that sensation is going to happen to me repeatedly, over a period of 16 hours, and intensify the whole time, I know I'll crack and ask for an epidural. But after everything I've read about the risks, and all my fine intentions, how can I accept one? I really wanted to prove to myself and the world that I could do this.
I know that the labor experience is inconsequential compared to the enormity of actually having a baby, that I'll forget about the pain afterward, that no one will care or blame me for seeking pain medication even though I said I wouldn't. The rest of my life is on the other side of the fence and it's going to be marvelous. It's just... the fence does look awfully high.
3 comments:
hi erin, first of all congrats to your friend, I hope everything went fine!
Second of all, we are a lot alike I think, because I too said I would NOT have an epideral, I was against them, scared of them and afterall, tons of women have children with no pain meds at all. And besides it only shows me to be a wimp if I did have one, right? But guess what??
I HAD AN EPIDERAL and I am SO THANKFUL that I did! I don't feel bad about it and I have no regrets. Oh and I still felt plenty of pain during child birth, it was wearing off by the time she was born. And it was not painful to get the epideral, It is each persons personal choice, but it is not wrong to have nothing and it is NOT wimping out to have one
Hope this helps. I know exactly what you are going through.
I am so excited for you it is getting so close! EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE, in spite of all the horror stories you hear, and you will know exactly what to do in the moment, try not to worry about it now. I PROMISE, you will just know.
Thanks. :) I've read all these birth stories about epidurals that went wrong, and so many times it seemed like women who chose epidurals inevitably ended up with C-sections. So that just scares me to pieces. But I guess we'll see how things go.
And thank you so much for telling me that everything will be fine. I really need to hear that repeatedly until it starts to seem true. :)
My friend came home from the hospital on Sunday with her beautiful three-day-old daughter. She got an epidural, and, yes, ended up with a C-section. But she and the baby are both fine now, and that's what matters.
Hi Erin CONGRATS to your friend. I am so glad that she and the baby are doing well. My guess is that seeing that baby made you want yours here all the more, huh?
It is getting closer, yeah!
And it is going to be FINE :)
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